Tag: white van dog

Banged Up in Bordeaux

Posted on by News Desk

“Hello this is the inspector speaking to you on the pheun in the name of the leahw.”

“The leahw?” I replied.

“Monsieur..Don’t try to be funnayyyy with me…The leahw of France…and it is in the leahw that I inform you of your balloon seller who thinks he is a news reporter…has just been been sentenced to 7 years in a prison in Bordeaux”

“Is this a wind up?” I asked.

“This is no wind up Monsieur..the glueve was found at the crime scene last night of some precious jewels that have been robed. It was a white glueve…with the initials…CNR.”

“It can’t be…” I said in disbelief.

“If the glueve fits…” the inspector replied.

“Oh yes, it is obvious to my trained eye who the criminal is here, and now he is doing the time,” he went on to add.

“Oh and one more thing before I get off the pheun…I will be sending you a bill for a priceless Steinway.”

The next morning and the morning papers confirmed what the inspector told me.

“FAMOUS CHIEF NEWS REPORTER JAILED FOR 7 YEARS IN FRANCE”

Sub headline: “A gardener who thinks he is a photographer sent back to Beijing”

I couldn’t believe the headline staring back at me.

I only sent him on a simple assignment and now he was going to be folding laundry in prison for the next…7 years!

I gathered all of the staff in my office and poured everybody a shot of whiskey.

“Here is to the best damn CNR you could ever get” – as I rose my glass to him.

“Yes he definitely was a bit…eccentric,” said the head of the SEO department.

“He was a genius,” I corrected her…

“An eccentric genius, yes…but a genius…although a bit flawed…true, some would even say… that is what he was…an eccentric, flawed…

“Loony” the head of the SEO department added.

Everybody in the office laughed.

“You can take those kind of comments down to the ….JOB CENTRE…your fired!”

“Anyone else want to make any comments? Get back to work.”

I can only wonder what he is doing right now inside those walls of the prison de Bordeaux. No doubt he is on some kind of wild ride already. I just hope he has access to a pen and paper to document everything

But…the show must go on. Apologies if the quality of blog posts goes down over the next 7 years but we no longer have our CNR.

I’m sure our JNR is going to step up to the plate and start pumping out some classic blog posts, but he has to learn the ropes.

Of course, loyal readers and customers of CVI you will still be able to get cheap van insurance…don’t worry about that. Just fill out our 3 minute form to get around 40 quotes from van insurance companies.

Revenge Of The White Van Dog

Posted on by News Desk

I watched as the White Van Man was restrained by 5 French police officers as commanded by the inspector.

I rushed over to the inspector.

“It’s ok…he is just a white van man…a bit hot under the collar…but no harm,” I said to the inspector.

“Monsieur…what do you know…you are just a balloon seller,” he replied

It was then he looked me up and down…”do you have a lisonce for selling those balloons?” he asked.

“No.”

“I arrest you in the name of the leahw!”

5 minutes later and me and the white van man were sat in the back of French Police van speeding through the streets of Paris with my balloons hanging out of the back window.

“Ne-nah, ne-nah, ne-nah, ne-nah…”

“You been on tour?” I asked the white van man.

“Yeah, just getting back from an extended tour in Siberia mate…hang on…how does a French balloon seller know so much English? He replied.

“Actually…I’m the CNR of a website called…”

I paused for effect…

“Cheap Van Insurance!”

“You…Are…Joking…It’s my favourite website pal. Proud customer of 5 years. Your blog posts kept me company in Siberia for the last 6 months.

Fast forward a few hours…and the boss back at HQ had spoke with the inspector and got me off with a warning and “no more costumes!” My balloons were confiscated.

I arrived back at the apartment.

“Chang…Chang…” I called out to my photographer. “Chang…Chang, where are you,” I said as I walked through the apartment.

There was an uneasy silence.

I went to the fridge to get some lunch.

As I opened the fridge door…Chang suddenly pounced out of the fridge and attacked me.

“sayawwwwww!” he shouted as he grabbed me and tried to take me to the floor.

“Chang…not…now….” I tried to say as we struggled

The struggle continued…right into the Steinway Piano in the living room.

“SMASH!”

It was an intense battle…and then…the phone rang.

We both stopped…and then Chang answered the pheun.

“CNR residence…it’s the boss,” he said handing me the pheun.

“Give me that,” I said snatching it away.

“Hello…”

“We’ve just received intelligence that the White Van Dog is at the park near your apartment. Go there immediately and get the photo. Our social media experts are waiting and ready to get this on Instagram. Don’t let us down…”

“I won’t,” I said.

I put the phone down.

“You are getting better Chang, but you forgot one thing…”

I gave him a “karate chop” to the head.

“Never let your guard down…”

“Now I must go to the park…I will take your camera.”

Chang spoke from the floor…

“Wait…the piano…that is a priceless Steinway,” he said.

“Not anymore.”

We both laughed.

10 minutes later and I was in the park trying to act normal but realised my white gloves and camera gave me away

and then…

there she was…

The White Van Dog

I approached with excitement.

“Does your dog bite?” I said to the owner.

“No”

I went to down to say hello and then…

*BITE*

“ouch!”

The white van dog bit my hand and ripped my glove off.

“I thought you said your dog did not bite?”

“That is not my dog,” he replied.

I watched as the white van dog ran off with my white van glove into the distance.

“Revenge of the White Van Dog,” I said to myself.

Return Of The White Van Man (On Tour)

Posted on by News Desk

“The Inspector wants to talk with you,” I said to the boss over the phone as I sat there in a French Police Station. I handed over the phone.

“This IZ Chief Inspector speaking on the pheun,” the inspector said.

Wait a minute, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the start shall we.

It all started when we arrived in Paris in search of The White Van Dog if you remember.

The smell of French bread lingered in the air and the sights of accordion players with meenky’s (collecting the cash) made me feel like I was now in France. And I was.

I was with Chang, a freelance photographer from Beijing, who had moved to the UK a few years earlier to “photograph vans.”

He seem a bit awed by my presence. I was a CNR after all, while he was still basically a trainee. I liked him though.

“Always be on your guard Chang. That is the secret of excelling in the type of job we do. You never know what to expect next.”

Unfortunately, our afternoon spent walking around the streets and parks of Paris proved to be fruitless.

“No White Van Dogs today,” I said to Chang as we made our way back to the apartment.

The phone line at the apartment went down, and my phone had ran out of battery, with my charger still back at CVI HQ.

So communication with the boss was not possible, but at least it allowed me to focus 100% on finding The White Van Dog, without any distractions.

However, The White Van Dog proved to be elusive. Maybe she sensed I had arrived, and was now in hiding.

Or perhaps it was because I wore white gloves with “CVI” on one hand and “CNR” on the other.

It was obvious to me that I stood out like a sore thumb. I needed to be smarter so I hatched a cunning plan…I would wear a disguise.

So the next morning I dressed as a French Balloon seller, complete with a assortment of balloons to make my disguise even more authentic.

My plan was to head towards the local park and just observe, under the cover of my costume.

As I was leaving the apartment I bumped into Chang and he seemed startled.

“Who are you?” He said, in shock at seeing an intruder, no doubt.

“Relax Chang, It is me, the CNR,” I said as I lifted my cap and made my face more clear from behind the balloons.

“Ahhhh!” he said, knowingly.

10 minutes later and I was walking towards the local park when I heard a familiar sound…

“You What Mate?” The voice said.

I turned around…and right there on the road was a White Ford Transit Van…with a “white van man” arguing with an inspector of the French Police.

“Have these tools been robed?” the inspector said very loudly.

The white van man snapped…anger, rage, discontent…all rolled into one.

“Return of the white van man…on tour,” I said to myself.

A Shot In The (Social Media) Dark

Posted on by News Desk

I marched into the office of our CNR and announced “You’ve done it…Our approval rating in the white van community is the best ever!”

“Thanks to your recent blog posts white van men are once more flocking to our 3 minute form in their droves…and the White Van Dog post from last week really was the cherry on top.”

Our CNR had the look of a heavyweight boxer who had just won the title back. A look of pride…A man who was now back at the top.

“Listen,” I said to him…”your last post about the White Van Dog got me thinking…if a dog has a social media following from the white van community, then, I think CVI should get a piece of the action as well.”

“You want me to hack the dogs social media account?” our CNR said, looking a bit confused.

“No of course not,” I replied. “However, pictures of these White Van Dogs are obviously popular…this could be a launching pad into the social media for CVI.”

“What I want you to do is head to the source…France, and find as many French Mastiff dogs as you can. Get them to do the “white van man pose” and then social media success will surely be ours.”

“It’s a shot in the dark,” our CNR responded..”But I like it, although…I’m not a photographer, I’m a writer.”

“That’s okay. I organised a freelance photographer to travel with you to France. His name is Chang.”

I handed him two train tickets to Paris.

“The limo will be waiting for you outside in 45 minutes,” I said as I walked out of the room.

“Oh…” I added as I was leaving….”there are no meerkats in France, I checked.”

Fast forward 24 hours and I was looking more closely into this whole social media thing.

I was pretty confident that CVI could become “The Nations Favourite” on Instagram, and maybe even Facebook. As long as we got some good photos of white van dogs…but Twitter? Maybe that would be more difficult.

If this social media thing really took off then maybe we could do away with blog posts once and for all…

Just then the phone rang. It was our CNR, who was now in Paris.

“How are you doing? Have you seen any white van dogs yet?” I asked.

“Not yet,” he replied. “I did see a minkey though.”

“A minkey?” I said, confused.

“No…a chimpanzee Meenky,” he replied, although at this point the phone line seemed to be a bad connection.

“A meenky?”

“No…a…I think there is something wrong with the Pheun,” he said.

“The Pheun?”

Just then the phone line went quiet The connection had been lost.

Has a simple shot in the dark just turned into another wild ride involving our CNR, yet again?

Why oh why can he not just take on a simple assignment and get the job done?

These are all questions I pondered as I left CVI HQ and got into my Rolls Royce.

Stay tuned for more…

The White Van Dog

Posted on by News Desk

You’ve heard of the Pink Panther, Green Hornet and Red Dragon…now get ready for the White Van Dog.

A French Mastiff named Roxy to be exact, who currently resides in our nations capital, London.

As the story goes, Roxy travels in a white van with her owner Nicky Morris on a daily basis. He is a delivery driver, who is always busy delivering parcels all around London, day in and day out.

Roxy is right there by his side, with her seatbelt on, keeping Nicky company and guarding the van while he makes a delivery to Mr Smith or Mrs Jones.

As regular readers of the CVI blog will be well aware…van crime is a national sport these days, which means having a bit of “protection” in the van is always a good idea.

As well as being a thief repellent – get this…Roxy has also perfected…

The white van man pose!

That’s right. Pictures confirm that Roxy the French Mastiff dog does a really good impression of a white van man, especially when leaning out of the window and giving you a stare.

Fortunately Roxy doesn’t follow up the impression with swear words and all out rage. She is a very chilled out dog, even if she does enjoy imitating the white van man.

Of course, the white van man reputation is very much exaggerated. If you ask me they are among the calmest and safest drivers on the road. That’s a fact.

Roxy, The White Van Dog, has built up her very own social media following with her impressions and impersonations.

Do you know what else? I reckon our favourite White Van Dog would also be a good match for CVI.

“Which one do you prefer…1 bark for those Meerkats…or 2 barks for CVI?”

“Woof Woof!”

The Nations Favourite White Van Dog and The Nations Favourite Van Insurance Comparison Website…the perfect match.

Then, as soon as 40 quotes come through from trusted companies and brokers…

“Are these the best quotes you have ever seen?”

“Woof Woof Woof Woof!”

“Good girl. Time for a treat!!”

According to Nicky, The White Van Dog is -”not just a pet, she is a celebrity courier, who drives around London delivering parcels to people. She has been with us for seven years, since she was a puppy.”

Here at CVI we raise our glasses to the White Van Dog. Long may you be delivering parcels in our nations capital and keeping up the good reputation of white van owners around the country.

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