Tag: meerkats

“Are You Clucking With Me?” Said The Van Driver

Posted on by News Desk

“Is this is a clucking joke?” the van driver went on to add. “No it isn’t sir, and can you mind the language please, there are children here.”

“Oh just cluck off!” said the frustrated van driver as he turned on his engine and sped out of the KFC car park.

The van driver had been out to enjoy a KFC meal with dips. £5.70 was the exact price. “A change from ham sandwiches and pot noodles,” the van driver said.

Was it finger lickin good? No doubt it was, because as you are no doubt aware, KFC is the nations favourite…fast food chicken place.

Just like CVI is the nations favourite…cheap van insurance place. One of these days we should do a joint venture, especially since pot noodle never returned our call and those pesky meerkats seem to have the restaurant and pizza game under lock and key.

KFC could be the only avenue left for CVI to get into the fast food business…but once that partnership is in place then get ready for a chicken and cheap van insurance storm you have never seen before.

That was the plan anyway, until this recent story which seems to paint a different picture of KFC.

One of our very own white van men was sitting in his van in the KFC car park, enjoying his chicken and reading the CVI blog on his smartphone. When all of a sudden some jobsworth car park attendant swooped his van and slapped a £100 parking fine on his windscreen.

This led to our white van man to start “clucking” and as you can imagine there was a lot of rage, anger, and discontent.

Apparently the car park attendant slapped him with the fine for overstaying the 90 minute limit. Witnesses have confirmed the attendant was not dressed as a chicken.

“I’m not clucking paying it,” the van driver is thought to have said when asked about the fine.

This means the whole incident is now going to court, and if unsuccessful then the van driver will have to pay over £300 in costs.

The good news is that if he does lose then he could just visit the CVI 3 minute form and potentially save £300 on his van insurance.

“£300 to KFC…£300 saved on van insurance,” not a bad deal for the van driver I’m sure you will agree?

In defence of KFC it has come to light that the car park is not owned by them, which means they have nothing to do with the situation.

Does this means the partnership of KFC and Cheap Van Insurance is back on? It could be, and if so, then it would be clucking amazing.

Apocalypse CVI

Posted on by News Desk

Below is a synopsis for a 30 second TV ad for CVI. Maybe try it on YouTube ads first, and then roll out to Prime Time on the box.

I would suggest hiring the actor Robert Duvall to play the character of the “Lieutenant.”

Research suggests mature actors work well for insurance companies. For example…Harvey Keital. And they are usually looking for one last pay day.

Note: call up Robert Duvall’s agents and feel them out.

I think the perfect director for this ad would be Francis Ford Coppola. A former oscar winner, he hasn’t done anything in ages and would no doubt like this opportunity to get his name back out there.

Note: contact Francis Ford Coppola.

Okay, on with the synopsis I call this…Apocalypse CVI

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First scene:

We are on the motorway. It is early morning and the roads are empty.

Suddenly, in the distance we see a convoy of vans approaching, and then…

The music to “Ride of The Valkyries” by Wagner starts…

As the convoy of vans come closer the music intensifies and the sun starts to come up in the background.

When they are close we notice the main van, It is the “CVI” van.

Second Scene:

We cut into the CVI van. The Lieutenant (Robert Duvall) is in the front passenger seat and his team “army” are in the back.

Lieutenant: “What’s the target for today?”

Team Member 1: “We are aiming for 20…maybe 30.”

Lieutentant: “Can’t we get 50? A case of beer to the man or woman who gets me 50.”

Team Member 1: “50? I don’t know if we can get 50 new Cheap Van Insurance customers…sir.” Are van owners ready for it?

Third scene:

We cut to a town in England. An idylic town where the average man and woman go about their business.

A woman leaves her house and gets into her red LCV with stock in the back for her business.

A man gets his plumbing equipment out of the garage and goes towards his blue Citreon van.

A white van woman starts up her Ford Transit…and her neighbour, a white van man waves as he drives by in his Ford Transit.

All is quiet, all is calm. Everything is almost perfect, apart from the fact all these people are paying expensive van insurance!!

And then…in the distance we hear the faint sound of music. As it gets closer we hear the height of “Ride of The Valkyries”

The van convoy is riding over the hill and into town. Everybody stops to look.

Back to inside the CVI van:

Lieutentant: “We can get 50.You can make it happen son. When you show them how to save £300 and it only takes 3 minutes. Everybody will want to sign up…WAIT…pull over at that swimming pool…let’s go for a quick swim before we start”

Team Member 2: “Is it safe?”

Lieutenant: “If I say it is safe to swim this pool…it is safe to swim this pool…Now…Did you bring your swimming trunks?”

Team Member 1 “We always bring them.”

Lieutenant: “Good, because you either swim or you get started”

Fourth Scene:

The Lieutenant walks ahead and changes into his swimming trunks, getting ready to swim in the pool.

New Team Member: “Why do we have to swim?”

Team Member Number 2: “Because Meerkats don’t swim!”

Then, A moment of clarity as the camera pans in on a thoughtful Lieutenant…

“I love the smell of chlorine in the morning. It reminds me of…Cheap Van Insurance.

A Shot In The (Social Media) Dark

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I marched into the office of our CNR and announced “You’ve done it…Our approval rating in the white van community is the best ever!”

“Thanks to your recent blog posts white van men are once more flocking to our 3 minute form in their droves…and the White Van Dog post from last week really was the cherry on top.”

Our CNR had the look of a heavyweight boxer who had just won the title back. A look of pride…A man who was now back at the top.

“Listen,” I said to him…”your last post about the White Van Dog got me thinking…if a dog has a social media following from the white van community, then, I think CVI should get a piece of the action as well.”

“You want me to hack the dogs social media account?” our CNR said, looking a bit confused.

“No of course not,” I replied. “However, pictures of these White Van Dogs are obviously popular…this could be a launching pad into the social media for CVI.”

“What I want you to do is head to the source…France, and find as many French Mastiff dogs as you can. Get them to do the “white van man pose” and then social media success will surely be ours.”

“It’s a shot in the dark,” our CNR responded..”But I like it, although…I’m not a photographer, I’m a writer.”

“That’s okay. I organised a freelance photographer to travel with you to France. His name is Chang.”

I handed him two train tickets to Paris.

“The limo will be waiting for you outside in 45 minutes,” I said as I walked out of the room.

“Oh…” I added as I was leaving….”there are no meerkats in France, I checked.”

Fast forward 24 hours and I was looking more closely into this whole social media thing.

I was pretty confident that CVI could become “The Nations Favourite” on Instagram, and maybe even Facebook. As long as we got some good photos of white van dogs…but Twitter? Maybe that would be more difficult.

If this social media thing really took off then maybe we could do away with blog posts once and for all…

Just then the phone rang. It was our CNR, who was now in Paris.

“How are you doing? Have you seen any white van dogs yet?” I asked.

“Not yet,” he replied. “I did see a minkey though.”

“A minkey?” I said, confused.

“No…a chimpanzee Meenky,” he replied, although at this point the phone line seemed to be a bad connection.

“A meenky?”

“No…a…I think there is something wrong with the Pheun,” he said.

“The Pheun?”

Just then the phone line went quiet The connection had been lost.

Has a simple shot in the dark just turned into another wild ride involving our CNR, yet again?

Why oh why can he not just take on a simple assignment and get the job done?

These are all questions I pondered as I left CVI HQ and got into my Rolls Royce.

Stay tuned for more…

Duel in Dundee, and Beyond…

Posted on by News Desk

We arrived in Dundee and the Limo driver dropped me off at The Hilton. “I will pick you up at 8am tomorrow,” he said.

The next morning and the limo was waiting for me at 8am, and we headed to a bookies in the centre of town. It was a fairly routine story, and my mind wasn’t really on it, but I had a job to do as CNR of CVI…so I got out my notebook.

“White van crashed into the front of bookies. There was a bang when it happened. White van man? Fled! Coke? Puff the magic dragon? High on own supply? Perhaps.”

I had all the information I needed. “That’s a wrap,” I announced to the limo driver. “Let’s get going back to HQ.”

The CVI limo got going on the road and headed towards the outskirts of Dundee. The buildings disappeared and we found ourselves on a deserted road. And then…

…Out of nowhere a tanker truck roared past the limo and nearly took us off the road.

“What the heck,” I shouted.

Then the tanker truck slowed right down and stopped us from getting past.

Eventually the skills of the limo driver won the day and he found a gap past the truck.

We had overtook the truck, but it started blasting its horn and coming at us full speed yet again. I sensed danger.

“Speed up,” I told the limo driver.

Just as the tanker truck was about to crash into the limo…the limo driver put his foot on the accelerator and sped away.

We were driving at top speed out of Dundee…and into the Scottish Highlands.

Then the limo driver started to slow down.

“Don’t stop now, we must keep going,” I demanded.

“We have to stop at a service station…the last one before we enter the wilderness of the Highlands, and get a couple of pot noodles,” the driver replied.

“Ok be quick, that tanker truck is going to be in our rear view mirror again if we don’t hurry,” I said.

The driver went to get some pot noodles and I decided to phone HQ to let them know what was happening.

“No signal!” My Motorola was out of range.

I ran into a restaurant to use the pay phone and then phoned HQ. It was the answerphone.

“Hi It’s the CNR here. We are in the Scottish Highlands and…”

It was then that I noticed the tanker truck parked outside next to the CVI limo.

I looked around the restaurant and noticed everybody was staring at me. Which one was the driver? I thought to myself.

Then I recognised something familiar…a red baseball cap. It was the guy from the service station near Ipswich the previous day…the driver who had used his 2 For 1 vouchers at Pizza Hut.

“Meerkats,” I said, and then I put the phone down.

I acted calmly as I walked out of the restaurant and began walking towards the CVI limo.

I looked for the limo driver but all I found was 2 pot noodles, the kettle and the keys to the limo on the floor.

He had fled. Knowing what was in store.

I had no choice. I had to get in the limo and start driving. It was for CVI. Someone had to step forward.

Within minutes of being on the road I saw the tanker truck appear in my rear view mirror.

“This is it,” I said to myself. “A duel between The Meerkats and CVI. Winner takes all. There is no turning back now.”

The truck followed me through the Scottish highlands, and then I turned the limo round to face the truck in front of a canyon.

I took the pot noodles and locked them on the accelerator with the kettle. Now we were on a collision course. It was the only way.

I jumped free at the last moment and the limo collided with the tanker truck, destroying the limo and sending the truck into the canyon.

I watched as the truck fell to the bottom of the canyon.

“The summer is over, CVI has won this battle and the war. If anyone should be promoting 2 for 1 movie and restaurant tickets it should be us,” I said.

I sat at the Canyons edge and threw stones for the rest of the evening, Watching the sun set.

Van Drivers Say – “Take Your Stinking Paws Off Me…”

Posted on by News Desk

Have you ever woke up in a sweat late at night – “It was a planet…full of…those creatures from TV” you shout, recalling your dream..

Not Apes…but Meerkats…those adorable creatures we see on the TV who promote a certain comparison website. Compare the…you can fill in the rest.

It’s those meerkats who try to sell things such as van insurance, by tempting van drivers with the offer of 2 for 1 movie tickets and such things.

Who doesn’t like a good movie? I know I do, and I’m pretty sure that van drivers also do. Some even take the day off work to visit the cinema.

The problem is most van drivers are not really motivated by getting movie tickets when buying van insurance. Instead, they would prefer to simply get very cheap van insurance. It makes sense.

That is why all sensible van drivers flock here, in their droves.

“Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty…meerkat,” is what they say, before clicking away and going directly to the Nations Favourite…Cheap Van Insurance.

What if you could take advantage of those meerkats though? Well, now you can, thanks to a trick I’ve just heard about from ITV and money saving superstar, Martin Lewis.

On his website, there is details about how you can get movie tickets for only a pound or two, which works out really cheap when you consider that most people need to re-mortgage their home to visit the cinema these days.

What Martin advises is to get cheap travel insurance from the meerkat site, the very cheap kind that only costs you £1 or £2, and then you also be eligible for the movie tickets.

So that is 1-0 to the van drivers over those pesky meerkats.

“See you soon, losers!” Is what you will be shouting out of the window as you drive away in your van with the tickets blowing in the wind.

Of course, while it’s good to get cheap movie tickets you must remember that the serious business is done right here, at CVI.

Don’t even be tempted by those meerkats when they start banging on about comparing van insurance. Come directly here. Don’t hang around.

Don’t go anywhere else either. You might be tempted by other mascots such as “Dave van dog,” but while he might be one of the best ideas of all time, the reality is that even “Dave van dog” cannot get you cheap deals on your van insurance.

Fortunately you are in the right place, right now. The kind of place where 3 minutes of your time and a few basic details will give you…the most outstanding van insurance prices ever.

So here is your to-do list:

1) Trick the meerkats

2) Ignore “Dave van dog”

3) Get around 40 quotes from Cheap Van Insurance.

Step 1

Complete your quick and easy quote

Step 2

Reveal your van insurance policies

Step 3

Pick your favourite and get instant cover