Author: News Desk

Unleash The…Robo Delivery Dogs

Posted on by News Desk

We recently predicted that your delivery driver job was safe. “Don’t worry about the robots,” we said….but were we wrong?

It wouldn’t be the first time that CVI has been wrong. In fact, we are wrong quite a lot, which has led to some critics to say – “Don’t listen to CVI.”

We don’t care about our critics though. Just like when those critics “criticised” us for offering van drivers the cheapest van insurance in the country.

“It can’t be done,” said the critics

But we trail blazed our way forward, and now, thousands of van drivers enjoy cheap van insurance right here at our famous 3 minute form.

Anyway…back to the story and this is all about robot dogs who are being manufactured right now, as we speak. However, these robot dogs won’t be pets and they won’t be part of the family.

Instead they will be…Robo Delivery Dogs!

Yes you read that right. These robotic dogs are being designed and trained to deliver packages right to your doorstep, and if successful, then you can say goodbye to your delivery driver job.

The Robo Dogs will travel in packs and ride around in self driving vans. Then when a destination is reached, they jump out and deliver the package.

Think this is all pie in the sky? Then think again, because a recent demo in Las Vegas showed us a prototype Robo Dog climbing up stairs, ringing a doorbell, and delivering a parcel.

Pretty impressive, wouldn’t you agree? Yes the future is almost here, but if you ask us you might just want to keep your resignation letter in your pocket for now.

Why? Because although the Robo Delivery Dog technology is certainly moving along nicely…it’s still quite a few years from becoming a reality in every city, town and village of the UK.

In other words, yes, the future is definitely going to be controlled by packs of Robo Dogs while you sign on down the local job centre, but for now, you can breathe a sigh of relief and just get on with your job.

So make the most of it. Enjoy tomorrow morning as you set off in your van and deliver that package to Mr Smith and Mrs Jones.

Take some time on your delivery route to stop and smell the Roses. And even stop to spend 3 minutes on our cheap van insurance form.

You really could save a packet in 3 minutes or less. Give it a try and find out for yourself.

CVI Shining Part 3

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Me and the Canteen Manager walked towards the JNR’s office. There was an eerie silence throughout the CVI HQ.

We approached the door, which was halfway open. I pushed it with caution, and it opened up a bit more with a creak.

“JNR?” I said. “JNR…are you there?”

No answer.

The room was dark, with just a bit of sunlight creeping through the curtains…and at the end of the sunlight was the CVI typewriter on the desk.

I began to enter the room. With every footstep I felt like I was being watched.

“I will wait here,” said the canteen manager from outside the room.

As I approached the typewriter I noticed pages and pages of paper in the shadows surrounding the typewriter.

Maybe the JNR went old school and cranked out some blog posts on the typewriter? I thought.

I opened up the curtains and with the bright sunshine now fully lighting the room I picked up the first piece of paper.

This is what I read:

Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy
Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy
Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy
Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy

and on and on it went…

I picked up the second piece of paper and read even more…

Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy. Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy. Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy. Just chips and no sauce makes Jack a dull boy.

And on and on it went. Page after page. The same words written over and over and over and over again.

“I think I know why he was so eager to get in the stationery cupboard,” I said to the canteen manager…”He wanted to get to your homemade tomato sauce….”

“It is very popular,” he replied.

“I think I should give him a couple of days off…once we find him,” I suggested.

10 minutes later and I was sitting in my office and drinking a whiskey. Still trying to piece together everything that had happened, right here at the CVI HQ over the holidays.

Obviously the JNR had gone crazy without any tomato sauce on his chips, to the point where he went mad and got the axe out of the garden shed…before smashing open the stationery cupboard.

And this “shining” thing the canteen manager was talking about…just what is going on here?

I poured myself another whiskey when my eye suddenly caught a glimpse of a picture on my wall that I knew well, only this time…something seemed different.

I moved closer…

The framed picture on my wall was of a party here at CVI HQ in the noughties, where everybody was dressed in the height of fashion.

It was a party with all of the original CVI staff, to celebrate the introduction of our now famous “3 minute form.”

As I looked closer I saw the CNR in the picture. He had only been working at CVI for a few months, he was still a young lad…an apprentice.

As I looked at his face I dropped my whiskey.

The young lad in the picture…was the JNR!

“He’s always been the CNR, has the JNR,” I said to myself.

CVI Shining Part 2

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I arrived back at CVI headquarters. It was now 2019, and as the boss of CVI I was determined to make this the year of cheap van insurance.

Immediately I knew something was wrong as I approached the HQ main entrance. The front door was open and all the lights were off.

“JNR,” I shouted as I cautiously entered the building.

“HELLO…JNR…IS ANYBODY THERE…JNR?” I shouted again, only to be met with silence.

I started walking down the hallway when I nearly tripped over a push scooter.

“He’s obviously been having fun,” I said.

And then I saw something which made me stop in my tracks. I just stood there, in shock.

Right there on the floor next to the stationery cupboard was the canteen manger…and a red substance all over the floor. There was also an axe there.

“Canteen Manager,” I shouted as I ran over to him.

He woke up immediately and seem startled to see me.

“What is going on here? Where is the JNR? Why are you here and on the floor?” I asked him.

“I had visions last night,” he replied as he got up off the floor. “I woke up and had a vision of the JNR smashing open the stationery cupboard with an axe.”

“They call it Shining,” he went on to add. “Me and the CNR used to have entire conversations without ever opening our mouths…and just before I left for the holidays, I noticed the JNR could do the same thing. When I woke up last night with those visions, I knew he was in trouble. So I got in my car and rushed here”

“So why are you on the floor?” I asked.

“Well, I got here and found the stationery cupboard smashed open, and as you may remember, this is where I store my homemade tomato sauce. When I saw all of my sauce on the floor, I was in shock and I passed out.”

It was then I noticed something was missing out of the stationary cupboard. The prized possession of CVI…the typewriter.

When I first started CVI back in the day, before the internet, all I had was that typewriter and a dream.

When I first typed those words on the typewriter back in the day – “Save a packet on van insurance in 3 minutes” – I knew I was on to something.

And now it was missing.

“Did you have any visions about what he did with the typewriter?” I asked the canteen manager.

“I think you might want to have a look in his office,” he replied.

CVI Shining Part 1

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I walked up to the CVI main entrance and busted through the front door. “Here’s Johnny,” I announced.

Everybody applauded as I made my entrance.

“Here he is,” said the new head of the SEO department.

“The man of the moment,” added the Assistant web design technician.

Its true. I’ve been riding high after my recent triumphs. Who can forget “Apocalypse CVI” and “Van Drivers Gone Wild?” You Can’t.

The boss walked up to me.

“Thanks for doing this JNR.”

“No problem boss,” I said as I put my suitcase on the floor.

“I look forward to watching the place for a couple of weeks over the holidays.”

“Usually the CNR does this,” the boss went on to add…”but he isn’t here, of course.”

There was a pause…

“I still can’t believe what happened…”

“Its okay boss. I’m here now.”

45 minutes later and the CVI Canteen manager was taking me on a tour of the kitchen.

“Its all pretty basic. There is enough food here to last you for 2 years, never mind 2 weeks…just like here, in the pantry…you’ve got all your basics…pot noodles mostly, look here is 2 pallets of Bombay Bad Boys and then we have 5 boxes of Chicken and Mushroom and if you like Beef and Tomato then you are really in for a treat because….”

I zoned out from the words he was speaking. I could still hear a noise. There was something else though. It was like he was trying to say something to me using the power of his mind.

“Don’t go in the stationery cupboard.”

The next morning and all of the CVI staff were long gone. I was now all alone in the big building.

I thought about going for a brisk walk in the outdoor maze, which was located within the CVI grounds.

However, I feared I might never find my way out.

Instead, I decided to whiz around the CVI hallways on a push scooter which someone had left behind.

I was whizzing around…without a care in the world…and then…

I screeched to a halt!

There it was…the stationery cupboard. It was padlocked, which peaked my curiosity.

I zoned in on that cupboard for a few seconds, almost in a trance, wondering what is inside.

“Snap out of it,” I said to myself.

“I’m here to look after the place and that is it.”

That evening a snow storm hit and the electricity went out. I decided to get an early night and quickly started to dream.

I dreamt it was the noughties and everybody was dressed in the height of fashion. It was some kind of party, right here at CVI HQ.

Everybody was excited about the new van insurance technology

“You can compare over 40 companies and brokers in 3 minutes,” I overheard in one conversation.

Just then a butler brushed my shoulder as he was walking past and spilled a drink on me.

“I’m so sorry sir. Allow me to clean that up for you, it will only take a minute.”

We went in the bathroom and he cleaned my jacket with a wet cloth. It was then I got a good look at him for the first time.

“CNR…its you!”

“You seem to be mistaken sir. I am the butler here at CVI. Nothing more.”

“It is you…CNR!!”

“You are mistaken sir. It is YOU who is the CNR. You have always been the CNR.”

His face changed to give me an intense stare.

“Now you must go to the stationery cupboard and Co…RRect this situation.” he said.

“The stationary cupboard?” I asked, surprised and a bit frightened..

“Yes. Go Do It Now.”

Drones Out…Delivery Drivers In

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We all thought the writing was on the wall for delivery drivers. “Rise Of The Drones,” said the boss of Amazon and he meant it.

It was thought drones in the air would become the new way to deliver packages to every man, woman, and child in this nation of ours, and while it may eventually become a reality, for now it is the delivery drivers who are needed the most.

In our opinion the next 10 to 20 years is a boom time for UK delivery drivers and courier drivers. If you can drive a van then you can make a packet.

Which is good news, because you can also use CVI to save a packet on your van insurance.

The equation is simple – delivery driver job + CVI = You Win!

At this point you might be saying “OK CVI, the drones might be out, but what about self driving vans?”

It’s true that self driving vans are just over the horizon, but there is still a need for someone to deliver the packages.

While a van that drives itself is not far off, a robot who gets in and out of the van all day long and knocks on doors is still a bit far fetched if you ask us.

So you can forget about drones and forget about robots. Your delivery driving job is safe and you can cash in on the online shopping craze for years to come.

For example, the demand from Amazon Prime is hot right now. They want packages delivered morning, noon, and night…every day, all day, and it is YOU who is expected to get them delivered on time and in one piece.

And get this: The boss at Amazon has come up with an idea…he wants YOU to become the boss.

That’s right. It looks like Amazon might be about to go down the franchise route and allow delivery drivers to setup their very own Amazon delivery franchise.

He estimates that a franchise owner could make around $300,000 a year, which is about £250,000 in UK money.

Would you like to make a quarter of a million a year, all from the comfort of your own van, while you eat ham sandwiches and read CVI on your smartphone? Of course you would.

It doesn’t matter how much cash you rake in though. You should always compare van insurance and that is something you can do on our 3 minute form.

You can even get van fleet insurance though our trusted partners, which means if your Amazon delivery franchise takes off then we have got you covered.

Van Drivers Gone Wild

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First I gave you “Apocalypse CVI,” and now, I give you…”Van Drivers Gone Wild.” A plan for TV domination in 2019.

The formula is simple: We need to take advantage of the publicity from our TV advertisements, by getting on the box with our very own show.

I was thinking me and a documentary film crew could “tour” the country and go to different towns and cities. The show would air on Channel 5 prime time and would rival Can’t Pay Take It Away as the nations favourite…TV program.

“Van Drivers Gone Wild,” is the name, and 9pm on a Wednesday night is the game.

The first episode…

“Wet and Wild,”

The story of a white van man in Surrey who took off in the rain and went on a rampage. We show actual footage of the wild manoeuvrers that took place on the wet roads, and speak with key eye witnesses to the rampage.

Then, in the final part of the show we reach a climax as we enter the prison cell of the white van man and put him on camera, in a no holds barred interview that will shock and entertain at the same time.

I envision that wherever me and the CVI film crew go…we will always attract a huge crowd.

We could give out free CVI hats, free CVI t-shirts, and even…free money. This is reality TV after all, and the more you pay…the wilder it gets!

We could make it rain money, and get the good people of our nation to do all kinds of things in the name of Cheap Van Insurance.

Once finished, everybody gets together to repeat after me…”The Nations Favourite!”

When Van Drivers Gone Wild is established on Channel 5 and winning awards, I think a spin off product should immediately be commissioned to cash in on the craze.

I call it…

Van Drivers AFTER DARK (Banned on TV)

So the plan is to take the footage which is too hot to handle and put it on a DVD. Then buy advertising space on those late night commercials you see after midnight.

“If you thought the van drivers were really wild and out of control on the popular Channel 5 series, then you haven’t seen anything yet, and for only £29.95 you can see everything.”

I reckon we could easily slap a £29.95 price tag for just one DVD and sell 1 million copies.

So that is £30 million quid into the CVI bank account.

“But wait there’s more…

Buy right now and you get the never before seen…

White Van Women Uncensored…

See what happens when the action gets really wet…

It’s yours, completely free of charge, but you must act now.”

So there we have it. This is my synopsis for the “Van Driver Gone Wild” brand. I believe millions will watch this every week and everyone will have a “Wild” DVD in their collection.

Of course, all of this is a lead generator for the simple 3 minute form that gets cheap van insurance for every van driver in the UK.

Van Drivers EXPOSED

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Just who is that man or woman behind the wheel of a Ford Transit these days? We know most of them use CVI…but who are they exactly?

Well, thanks to new research we have gained a better understanding of exactly who is driving up and down the roads of our nation.

You might think it is the stereotypical “white van man” such as a builder, painter, carpenter, delivery driver, or electrician, and you would be right, they are the foundation of the van economy and the main user of CVI.

However, the research does suggest the landscape of van driving is changing. For example, 14,000 vans are owned by housewives and house husbands and many are used for business and pleasure. Even to take the kids to school.

Do you want more numbers? How about the fact that 414 waiters in the UK own a van. Or how about the fact that professional knitters are now prime targets for the van companies who want to make a sale.

We can’t mention vans without talking about accidents can we? The most accident prone van drivers are plumbing and heating engineers. Sure, they are good with their plungers and they enjoy eating their iced buns, but when it comes to getting into fender benders they are right there at number 1.

Company directors follow up plumbers on the list of accident prone van drivers, followed by carpenters and then joiners.

They are all welcome to fill in the 3 minute form here at CVI though. We forgive you.

When it comes to the battle of the sexes, men vs women, then who can be trusted more on UK roads to drive safely and obey the laws of the road?

The research shows it is women who are safer, with men more likely to get in an accident. 12% to be exact compared to 10% of women van drivers.

Both men and women van drivers visit CVI on a regular basis, with many calling it their home. They access it on their computer, tablet and smartphone, and tell all their family and friends about the power of CVI and the famous 3 minute form.

Back to accidents, and it’s Ford, Volkswagen, and Vauxhall which are the most likely brands to be involved in a crash.

Citroen are hot on the heels, with Renault, Mercedes, and Peugeot not far behind.

Yes you guessed it. CVI welcome all of these van brands and will provide you with a quote no matter how old or new your van is.

We also give quotes for Nissan, Mitsubishi and Fiat vans. Just fill in the simple form and be amazed at the magic of Cheap Van Insurance.

White Van Man On Tour…No More?

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Our very own white van men have been known to leave the island and go on tour. To Europe they go…and beyond.

But mostly Europe. As we have reported about before here on the CVI blog, it is in countries such as France and Russia where white van owners have got themselves in a bit of bother. Some prison time…yes. Nothing too serious though.

The vast majority of “white van men on tour” don’t get in bother. A bit of rage? Yes. But handcuffs and 7 months of hard labour? No.

Most white van men head North, South, East and West. Where will they go next? Nobody knows…although, the days of touring the roads of our European Cousins may soon be coming to an end.

Why? Because if our country says “NO DEAL” to Brexit then white van owners may require a special Green Card to legally drive on the roads of Europe.

Right now, as we speak, a UK issued van insurance policy (like the one you can find through our 3 minute form) is enough to keep you legal to drive through EU countries.

However, if we decide that ALL DEALS ARE OFF…and we want to separate from Europe without any kind of deal, then, you can expect your van insurance policy to become “non Euro friendly.”

Instead, our European cousins (second cousins) will demand a special Green Card so you can legally drive on the wrong side of the road.

The French police will demand – “Carte Verte.”

Here is the thing: These European Driving Green Cards will be very much in demand. To the point where the demand will outstrip the supply.

“I can’t get my Green Card in time, what are my options?” The white van man about to go on tour will ask.

The solution is to print off the Green Card at home. You simply buy it in PDF form through PayPal on an official website and then let your printer do the hard work.

The catch? It needs to be green of course. It is a green card after all.

If you don’t have a colour printer or the “green” in your inkjets has seen better days, then your days of going on tour might be at an end.

You could always set off anyway, down to the port of Dover and through to the port of Calais, and then on to the open road.

But if your “Green Card” is actually a “Black and White Card” then you might find yourself at the wrong side of the law.

“NO VERDE!” – the Spanish police officer will say.

Our relationship with Europe is rocky enough, they won’t need much excuse to put you in jail.

And if you get angry? If you have an episode filled with rage and discontent? Then they may even put you away for quite a bit of time…just like our very own CNR, who is currently doing 7 years in a maximum security prison in the French City of Bordeaux.

Apparently its an Alcatraz type of prison. Set in a castle it is surrounded by high walls and no one has ever escaped. No visitors are allowed either, otherwise the CVI team would have been to see him.

Apocalypse CVI

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Below is a synopsis for a 30 second TV ad for CVI. Maybe try it on YouTube ads first, and then roll out to Prime Time on the box.

I would suggest hiring the actor Robert Duvall to play the character of the “Lieutenant.”

Research suggests mature actors work well for insurance companies. For example…Harvey Keital. And they are usually looking for one last pay day.

Note: call up Robert Duvall’s agents and feel them out.

I think the perfect director for this ad would be Francis Ford Coppola. A former oscar winner, he hasn’t done anything in ages and would no doubt like this opportunity to get his name back out there.

Note: contact Francis Ford Coppola.

Okay, on with the synopsis I call this…Apocalypse CVI

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First scene:

We are on the motorway. It is early morning and the roads are empty.

Suddenly, in the distance we see a convoy of vans approaching, and then…

The music to “Ride of The Valkyries” by Wagner starts…

As the convoy of vans come closer the music intensifies and the sun starts to come up in the background.

When they are close we notice the main van, It is the “CVI” van.

Second Scene:

We cut into the CVI van. The Lieutenant (Robert Duvall) is in the front passenger seat and his team “army” are in the back.

Lieutenant: “What’s the target for today?”

Team Member 1: “We are aiming for 20…maybe 30.”

Lieutentant: “Can’t we get 50? A case of beer to the man or woman who gets me 50.”

Team Member 1: “50? I don’t know if we can get 50 new Cheap Van Insurance customers…sir.” Are van owners ready for it?

Third scene:

We cut to a town in England. An idylic town where the average man and woman go about their business.

A woman leaves her house and gets into her red LCV with stock in the back for her business.

A man gets his plumbing equipment out of the garage and goes towards his blue Citreon van.

A white van woman starts up her Ford Transit…and her neighbour, a white van man waves as he drives by in his Ford Transit.

All is quiet, all is calm. Everything is almost perfect, apart from the fact all these people are paying expensive van insurance!!

And then…in the distance we hear the faint sound of music. As it gets closer we hear the height of “Ride of The Valkyries”

The van convoy is riding over the hill and into town. Everybody stops to look.

Back to inside the CVI van:

Lieutentant: “We can get 50.You can make it happen son. When you show them how to save £300 and it only takes 3 minutes. Everybody will want to sign up…WAIT…pull over at that swimming pool…let’s go for a quick swim before we start”

Team Member 2: “Is it safe?”

Lieutenant: “If I say it is safe to swim this pool…it is safe to swim this pool…Now…Did you bring your swimming trunks?”

Team Member 1 “We always bring them.”

Lieutenant: “Good, because you either swim or you get started”

Fourth Scene:

The Lieutenant walks ahead and changes into his swimming trunks, getting ready to swim in the pool.

New Team Member: “Why do we have to swim?”

Team Member Number 2: “Because Meerkats don’t swim!”

Then, A moment of clarity as the camera pans in on a thoughtful Lieutenant…

“I love the smell of chlorine in the morning. It reminds me of…Cheap Van Insurance.

LATEST: Van Thief “Houdini” Strikes Again

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Van crime lurks in the cracks of dawn. During the silence and calm, a famous van thief steps from the shadows.

According to leading scientists, it is the “dawn hours” when van owners are in their deepest sleep. Its called “REM” AKA Rapid eye movement.

While you snooze, the van criminal fills up with loot, and he really sticks in the boot, and then you lose.

Its the crack of dawn.

Take just one neighbourhood in London, where just last week there was 4 separate incidents all in the space of just under an hour.

At 4:02am, one van gang member tiptoed his way towards a Ford Transit van and did the “peel and steal” manoeuvrer in 71 seconds flat. Police said it was the best they have seen yet.

Then just 2 streets away at 4:15 another van hoodlum slid his way under the security camera and performed the “shake and bake” on a blue Citroen van. He did it with such precision, the police are still scratching their heads.

By 4:47 this van gang with a plan were becoming more brave. Still cautious…but brave. They saw an LCV just sitting there in the calm of the dawn… just like a sitting duck.

So they went right in and pulled off…the “Ram and slam” in 2 minutes and 2 seconds. Those tools flew out of the back and into the night. Police are appealing for witnesses.

At 4:57 at the other end of the street a carpenter pulls out of a junction at the end of the road on his way to work…and then…BAM…he didn’t even see it coming.

It was a manoeuvre called the “Ham Sandwich” – done with quickness, it lasted only 45 seconds from bread to butter. Two motorbikes trapped the van from either side, forcing him to stop, and then…a quick looting followed by an even quicker getaway.

Police are warning van owners to watch out for a new van trick from van criminals on bikes called the BLT . More dangerous than the ham sandwich..only a few organised van gangs can pull it off. You are most at risk during the dawn hours, remember.

And while all of this was going off. The silence of dawn remained. And then…”flash flash” – and he was in…and OUT

He strikes again.

The van thief Houdini – remember him?

Nobody knows who he is, or where he will strike next. Not even the van gangs know. He is a lone ranger. He works…alone.

But he is good. Some say the best.

Just like CVI. He is not like the rest.

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