Author: News Desk

The Wicker Van Part 3

Posted on by News Desk

Sergeant Dowie walked around the empty corridors of CVI HQ. He Looked at certificates on the wall that dated back from the noughties.

“This is to certify that Cheap Van Insurance is the cheapest van insurance comparison site in the UK,” read each certificate, year by year, one by one.

He got to the end…there was an empty place, and the year said 2019…but there was no certificate.

“The cheap van insurance failed this year,” he observed.

Then he thought back to what Lord CVI had said about White Van Gods…

“Sacrifice!” he said in a moment of clarity as he started to piece the jigsaw together.

===============

It didn’t take him long to confirm his theory…

He quietly walked towards the canteen and overhead the canteen manager and caretaker talking…

“What time is the sacrifice happening?”

“About 4pm”

“Are you going dressed as the fool, like always?”

“Aye.”

The sergeant waited for the caretaker to leave, and then creeped up behind the canteen manager as he was getting his costume ready.

“JUDO CHOP”

The canteen manager fell to the floor

====================================

Sergeant Dowie was now dressed as the fool and part of the parade as they went through the lush greenery of CVI island.

He was trying to keep in sync with everybody with the strange dancing and rituals but found it difficult.

“What’s wrong canteen manager? Have you been eating too much of your tomato sauce again? Keep up man,” said the Lord CVI, who was dressed himself in a costume.

Sergeant Dowie tried his best to fit in and hide his true identity as they continued through the island. He pulled it off…just.

And then…they came to the beach near some rocks and a cave.

And then…the CNR appeared out of the cave with his hands tied behind his back and 2 men from the CVI security team either side.

Lord CVI stood in front of everybody and spoke…

“And now…it is time.”

The sergeant quickly ran towards the CNR and then…

DOUBLE JUDO CHOP – he took out both security guards.

“Thank you, mister, quick untie me,” said the CNR.

“You are the Chief News reporter I presume,” asked Sergeant Dowie while untying him.

“Yes mister…you came just in time…quick…I know a way out…this way, through the cave, follow me.”

The sergeant followed the CNR through the cave and they ran for about 5 minutes then they climbed through a hole.

He was expecting for them to both run for safety, but instead, he came face to face with Lord CVI and the staff. Who were now not wearing their costumes.

“Did I do good?” said the CNR

“Marvellous! you did great” replied Lord CVI.

The CNR ran over to join the rest of the CVI staff.

Many of the locals from CVI island started to gather…surrounding the sergeant…there was no way out…they were on a cliff, at the bottom of a hill.

“And now, it is time for you to keep your date with…

The Wicker Van,” said Lord CVI

The CVI security team minus 2 – grabbed the sergeant and started leading him up the hill, while someone banged a drum slowly, adding to the tension of what was about to happen.

As the sergeant approached the top of the hill he suddenly could see what was on top…

His face turned to shock and terror

“OH GOD…OH NO!!”

The Wicker Van Part 2

Posted on by News Desk

“Lord CVI I presume?” asked Sergeant Dowie as he walked into the office.

“At your service,” replied Lord CVI getting up from his armchair.

Sergeant Dowie stood there for a moment, looking Lord CVI up and down.

“Yes…I’m a police officer from the mainland and I’m looking for a missing person…The Chief News Reporter from your blog,” said Sergeant Dowie as he handed the photo to Lord CVI.

“I’m sorry…I can’t help you.” said Lord CVI after looking at the photo for a few seconds.

Sergeant Dowie became impatient and bit agitated…

“Oh yes you can help me! According to your blog he was imprisoned in a maximum security prison in Bordeaux..but Lord CVI …there is no maximum security prison in Bordeaux, and there is no record of this man ever setting foot in the country of France!!”

“So you suspect…foul play?”

“Lord CVI…I suspect…MURDER!!!!”

“Oh no,” replied Lord CVI, in a relaxed and calm tone.”

“Oh Yes!” replied Sergeant Dowie getting more and more irritated.

“Well, I really hope you get to the bottom of this,” said Lord CVI as he started to look out of the window into the CVI HQ grounds.

Sergeant Dowie looked to see what had caught Lord CVI’s attention…and was horrified to see naked women dancing about without a care in the world.

“Just what kind of enterprise are you running here?”

“Oh that is just some of the CVI staff enjoying their lunch break…our motto here at CVI is…be free and do what you want.”

“I’ve never seen such a thing!”

“Yes…well….what you must understand is that here at Cheap Van Insurance we do things differently. I moved to this island in the noughties, at that point there was a declining fishing industry on the island, but that came to an end, and it was me who introduced Cheap Van Insurance as the main source of income…

We could offer cheaper prices than sites and companies on the main land…and do our own thing. Every year we pray to the White Van Gods and they reward us with cheap prices again and again,” said Lord CVI.

“What on earth are you talking about?” replied Sergeant Dowie.

Lord CVI paused for a minute, pondering if to tell the Sergeant more about his company and the White Van Gods, but then decided against it.

“Look…I really don’t see how I can help you…allow me to arrange my assistant to drive you back to your plane.”

“I will be staying right here on this island until I find out what happened to your Chief News Reporter (CNR)!” said Sergeant Dowie in a defiant tone.

“I see,” came the reply from Lord CVI.

The Wicker Van Part 1

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The sea plane touched down on the clear waters just off CVI island. The sun shone briefly, and then it became cloudy.

A small crowd of locals gathered to look at the plane which had just landed.

“I am a Police Officer from the mainland…is this CVI island?” he shouted from the plane.

“Aye” replied one of the locals.

“Can you send a boat to get me?”

“Aye.”

5 Minutes later and the police officer was on the safety of land. With his 2 feet firmly on CVI island, he began to question the small crowd of locals.

“I’m here on official police business…my name is Sergeant Dowie…I’m looking for a missing person.”

“Oh,” replied one of the locals.

“Here is a photo of the missing man…do you know him?”

The photo was passed around the crowd of locals.

“Never seen him” – “That face is not from this island” – “You are in the wrong place,”

“This missing man I am looking for is the Chief News Reporter from the main employer of this island…Cheap Van Insurance,” said Sergeant Dowie.

“Oh yes”

“But you have never seen him?”

“Oh no”

“And which way is it to the Cheap Van Insurance HQ?”

“It’s that way…”

10 Minutes later and Sergeant Dowie arrived at the Cheap Van Insurance HQ entrance. The head of the SEO Department was waiting for him.

“I am here on official Police business, looking for a missing man, he was the Chief News Reporter of this company,” he said handing the picture to the head of the SEO Department.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” she said.

“Can’t? Or won’t?” replied Sergeant Dowie.

The sergeant pushed his way through the entrance and into the building to begin his investigation.

“Who does this office belong to?” he asked, pointing towards a dark and empty looking room.

“No-one.”

“So why does it say “CNR” on the door, which are the initials of the man I am looking for?”

“It doesn’t.”

“It’s right there, and may I remind you that lying to a Police Officer is a criminal offence.”

“I’m sure there is an explanation,” said the head of the SEO department.

“I’m sure there is…And I want you to take me to the leader of Cheap Van Insurance, Lord CVI himself right now so he can give an explanation,” replied Sergeant Dowie.

“His office is just round the corner…I will take you there.”

A few minutes later and Sergeant Dowie was walking into the office of Lord CVI…

White Van Man Drives Thru a Bus

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In a quiet town, on a quiet road, there was a bus. The passengers sat in silence as it cruised to the next bus stop. Everything was normal, and then…

“CRASH. BANG.WALLOP.”

It was…yes…you guessed it…

A White van man!!

Right into the side of the bus he crashed, with enough force to send many of the passengers to the floor.

Luckily no-one was hurt. A bit shaken? Yes. But no-one was hurt. And they were not surprised either to see a white van man was the culprit.

Did this white van driver have something against this bus? Was it an act of revenge, or maybe anger, or even rage or discontent?

No, no, no and no.

In fact, the white van man was high on his own supply!

Regular readers of the CVI could have probably seen that one coming a mile off. We have reported many times about the war on drugs on our nations roads. Well, it appears our very own white van man is living up to the hype.

This guy had been to McDonalds. No doubt he had the munchies, so to speak…but this was not going to be a “Happy Meal.” Oh no. Because while driving back from the drive thru with a burger in his lap, he went straight into the side of a bus.

CCTV captured the moment. It happened quickly. All of a sudden. But there was no doubt the white van man was at fault.

So when the cops arrived on the scene it wasn’t long before they pulled out their wipes.

“Come here young man, I need to wipe your…”

There was a silence as the young white van driver wondered what was about to happen…

“Wipe my what?”

“Your…Mouth!” said the Police Officer.

It was those trusty Drug Wipes we have been telling you about. They give cops the ability to test van drivers at the side of the road. Right away.

And guess what?

This white van man was found to have cocaine in his system. The real good stuff straight from Bolivia.

No wonder he crashed into the single decker, he was probably seeing a triple decker.

Right now, as we speak, the white van man is awaiting sentence from a court of law, although you can be rest assured that the bus is repaired and back on the road.

Unfortunately, it is drug fuelled white van drivers like this one who are giving all white van men a bad name.

You might be a law abiding white van man who has never puffed on the magic dragon before, but that won’t stop your van insurance prices from becoming higher.

Here at CVI we are for white van men who don’t do drugs or drive while high as a kite. If you don’t do either then you are welcome to fill in our 3 minute form and see if you can save money on van insurance.

Best Place To Drive A Van (And The Worst)

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If you drive a van for business or pleasure, then you may be wondering where in the country is the best place to get on the road?

Is your current location the bees knees? Or would you be better off heading up North, or down South, or towards the West or East? Maybe you be best off leaving the country completely and starting anew in a foreign land?

Before you go “on tour,” – take a few minutes to read our blog post here at the CVI blog about the best and worst places to drive and own a van in the UK.

Okay, so let’s get straight into the action here and the number 1 WORST place to own a van is in London. Is it any surprise? Not to us here at CVI.

In North West London you have a higher chance of being in a fender bender. While in Greater London there is more chance your van gets nicked.

“Cor Blimey Guvnor, someone as nicked me van,” said the London resident.

Want to know some of the other WORST places to drive a van? Try on Harrow for size, where you are almost just as likely to shunted from behind as you are in Capital.

Other places to watch out for include Bromley, Watford, Dartford, and Sutton. In other words, if you are thinking about moving Up North then it might be a good idea.

Or even across the sea? Because it is Belfast which has been voted the number 1 BEST place to own and drive a van in the UK.

So if you want some peace and quiet and a bit of clam without having to worry about some scally ramming you up the backside or taking off with your pride and joy…then Northern Ireland is the place to be, right now, for van owners.

Want to know another place where you can expect tranquillity? In Scotland…Inverness to be exact, where the chance of being involved in a fender bender or having your tools disappear into the night is virtually zero.

Other places in Scotland that have been certified SAFE include Dumfries and Galloway.

To give you an overview of exactly where to be, and where to avoid…read on…

So obviously London is a place to miss, but you should also give Yorkshire and The West Midlands a wide berth, specifically Birmingham which is well known for being a hotspot for van hoodlums who have long been reigning terror down on van owners.

Northern Ireland and Scotland are the places to be, there is no doubt about that, but you can also breath a sigh of relief in the East Anglia where van crime is being kept at bay.

No matter where you live…you can still get Cheap Van Insurance with our 3 minute form. Give it a try.

Royal Mail Have 290 Of These “Strange” Vans

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You look out the window and see the Royal Mail van pull up. Out jumps a postie in shorts, but something doesn’t quite seem right.

“That van looks and sounds a bit strange,” you say to yourself.

You go out the front door for a closer look, but still can’t put your finger on what “is different.”

“Hey Postie. Come here,” you shout, as the faithful postie runs around posting letters like a schoolboy in shorts.

“Hello sir, what can I help you with today?” says the postie.

“That van…What…is it…that…makes…it…different?” You ask, slightly puzzled.

“Why sir, the van you are referring to is…

An Electric Van!!” answers the postie.

“Ah it was one of those electric gizmos, is it? Flash in the pan if you ask me,” you say before turning around to walk back in the house.

“Just wait until they replace me with a robot,” the postie answers, before continuing with his round.

Do you know what though? This isn’t just a flash in the pan oh faithful readers of the CVI blog. Electric vans are here to stay and you will be seeing more and more electric Royal Mail vans over the coming years, oh dear readers.

That’s right. The Royal Mail have just taken delivery of 190 brand spanking new electric vans. All sparkling and with that new van smell inside.

This adds to the 100 electric vans they already have, giving them a grand total of 290 electric Royal Mail vans. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Pretty soon all Royal Mail Vans will be electric. You will see them cruising about the roads of our nation and pulling up outside your house.

And just like the postie in shorts predicted…it will soon be robots jumping out of the back of these electric vans and walking confidently towards your front door.

Knock Knock.

You Answer The Door.

“John Connor?” says the robot

“Yes,” you reply.

“I have a parcel for you,” the robot says while handing you the parcel and then doing a 180 and heading back to the self driving electric Royal Mail van.

“Thank you Mr Robot,” You shout as the robot walks off…”And I like your shorts!” You go on to add.

This oh faithful readers of the CVI blog is the future, you can be sure of that. Where everything is different, but still familiar.

Just like the CVI web site itself. We will always be familiar, but at some point we will have to change, just like the world around us.

Pizza + Self Driving Van + Robots = The Future

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If you enjoy ordering a meat feast or Hawaiian pizza on a Saturday night then get ready for a shock…because when that doorbell rings…

You are going to be confronted with a robot standing in front of you. Fortunately he wont be saying “Sarah Connor?” – Instead, he will will be standing there with a Pizza in his hand.

“Thankyou,” you say as you collect the pizza.

“Thank-you-for-ordering-from-Dominos,” the robot will reply, before doing a 180 and heading away.

You may even stand at the door for a few seconds more before closing it…watching the robot get inside the self driving van before it drives away, off to deliver pizza to more hungry customers.

This my friends is the future of Pizza all around the world, and Dominos may very well be the first to make this a reality.

As we speak, there is 16,100 Domino Stores around the world and they sell a whopping 3 million pizzas every single day.

Up until now, it is us, the humans, who have been slaving away and making those pizzas and then delivering them to customers on mopeds and in cars.

That is until right now, where at this very minute, we can confirm that Dominos Pizza are getting ready to test out a new “mini van” which will be self driving and have a robot inside.

This new self driving Pizza delivery van is known as the “R1” and experts are saying this could very well be the future.

In fact, it may not be long until Pizza Hut and Papa Johns follow suit, and then who knows? Maybe even McDonalds, Burger King and KFC will join the self driving van party.

Should we be wearing party hats though? In my opinion, as long as these self driving vans and robots are on time and with a piping hot pizza in their hand…then bring out the party balloons and party poppers, is what I say.

Reports suggest these self driving pizza vans will drive at a steady 25 miles an hour on a good day, and will carefully navigate around other motorists, pedestrians and cyclists.

Of course, once they on the roads in the UK they will need van insurance, and I’m sure pizza chains such as Dominos and Pizza Hut will demand Cheap Van Insurance.

And what better place to get very cheap van insurance than right here at CVI. There is no other place. We are the only place.

Will You Pass The “Van Excellence” Test?

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There is an organisation called the FTA, and they have come up with something called the “van excellence” scheme.

Experienced trainers take you under their wing and put you through your paces in the “van excellence” bootcamp. And then inspectors make sure your driving is the best of the best, so you can be called…

A van driving Top Gun!

That is if you pass. If you don’t then you will never be a Maverick or a Iceman. You will be kicked out and banished to the lower leagues of van driving.

So will you pass the van excellence test? If you do, then there is a reward waiting for you. It comes in the form of an exclusive van insurance policy.

You heard it here first.

You see, the FTA have teamed up with a van insurance broker called QBE in Leeds, Yorkshire, and what they are doing is offering “bespoke” van insurance policies to any van driver who passes the van excellence test.

So if you are a Maverick then get ready to receive your gold star, because the FTA and the QBE are going to reward you.

Hang on a minute. While this van insurance policy might be “bespoke” and “exclusive” – I’m sure the question on most of your lips is…

“Is it cheap?”

The answer is…probably not.

Anytime you hear the word “bespoke” then you can be sure it will come with a hefty price tag, and to think you have to pass a test just to have the privilege of buying something expensive.

If you ask us…that is just taking the mick!!

Our advice? Forget about the FTA and the QBE…and start thinking about CVI.

Who wants to be a van driving top gun anyway? In our opinion, as long as you have a basic understanding of the road laws and you keep your hands at 10 and 2, then you are more than qualified to get cheap van insurance.

Ok, you might get in a bit of bother now and again and experience some rage and discontent. Fair enough, but try to keep it under control.

And you might go on tour and get up to a few shenanigans. That’s ok, we will look the other way.

But mostly you are a hard working white van man who obeys the laws and gets on with the job, and you just want cheap van insurance every year so you can save a packet.

You can do that right here at our 3 minute form.

The Story Of A 78 Year Old White Van Man

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We couldn’t believe what they found in the back of his white van, and once you read the following story you won’t believe it either.

It started on a temperate night in the county of Lincolnshire The clock had just struck 11:57pm and most people were in bed, tucked up.

A 78 year old white van man by the name of John was still on the road. With his hands at 10 and 2 and sticking to the speed limit, he didn’t think the cops would pull him off the road when he saw them in his rear view mirror.

But they did pull him off…

Why? Because BEEP BEEP he had been scanned with the APNR scanners, and he came back as a hit. The cops wanted to speak with him.

It turns out he had no van insurance and no licence, but…that wasn’t even close to being the biggest shock of the night.

After Police had taken down his particulars and arranged to have his van taken away, they decided to take a sneek peek in the back of the van. It was just a hunch. The Police man had the vibe something wasn’t quite right.

So he got John to open the back of his van, and what the Police officer saw he couldn’t believe..

He was shocked…

Right there in front of his eyes…

Was 8 big cannabis plants staring back at him!!

This old timer might have been a slouch when it came to getting a drivers licence or van insurance. But he was no slouch when it came to getting high on his own supply.

At first, The Police officer thought he had just caught Lincolnshire’s own version of “El Chapo,” but when questioned, John, the 78 year old white van man, simply said…

“I didn’t realise it was illegal.”

It turns out he didn’t think cannabis was illegal when in plant form. As long as you don’t smoke it and puff on the magic dragon, then I won’t get into trouble, thought John.

He was wrong. Very wrong. And in the era of this “war on drugs” he found himself in court and facing a stern looking judge who gave him a 12 month suspended sentence.

Let’s put it this way: If John decides to take to the roads again, in his white van…with half of Bolivia in the back…then he is going directly to prison.

As regular readers are very much aware, here at CVI we are a drug free zone and we have a zero tolerance on white van drivers who transport cannabis plants.

In fact, we will say it to your face: “If you have any kind of plants in the back of your van, we don’t want your business.”

The ironic thing is…if John had visited CVI and got his van insurance sorted, then the cops probably wouldn’t have pulled him off in the first place.

But John isn’t welcome at CVI, and in light of this “War On Drugs” era, we may even add a new question to our 3 minute form…

“Are you planning to transport your own supply or get high on your own supply?”

If you answer “NO” then you are welcome at CVI.

White Van Men – DON’T Wear These On Your Feet…

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Here at CVI we speak directly to white van men and give them Cheap Van Insurance, but are we about to give them fashion tips?

Not quite. Although we do have an important warning about what you should never wear on your feet while driving your white van.

You can be cruising down the lane without a care in the world…off to your next job or to make a delivery…when those all too familiar flashy blue lights will be in your rear view mirror.

So you pull over and then watch the “Bobby” as he or she approaches your van.

Then you wind down your window, and wait for the “Boy in Blue” to speak…

But instead of asking for your drivers license or proof of insurance, they ask…

To see your shoes!

This comes on the back of a new Police crackdown where they are stopping drivers and checking their footwear, and if found to be wearing the wrong kind of footwear, then drivers could be slapped with a £5000 fine.

Yes you read that right. And even worse, our insider intelligence suggests that Police are targeting white van men as a main priority.

If Police pull you over and find you wearing Cowboy Boots, Gladiator Sandals, Wellington Boots, or Stiletto Heels…

Then you are going to find yourself in big trouble.

Police are also looking for white van men who wear flip flops, knee and thigh high boots, and of course, workmen boots.

Basically, any kind of footwear that has a thick and heavy tread. Because it leaves you without sufficient control of the pedals.

At the end of the day, you wouldn’t try and play the piano in Cowboy Boots, would you…so why are you trying to drive your white van in them? Our advice is to stop right now. For your own safety and to protect yourself from a Police fine.

And if you refuse to take off your cowboy boots, wellingtons or workmen boots?

Then…

“Back up requested,” says the Police officer in their radio mike.

In no time at all there will be 4 or 5 Police cars screeching to a halt and surrounding your white van, and then, well, I think we all know what will happen then. It will be another “Summer of Rage” incident that we have become all to familiar with here on the CVI Blog.

So white van men of Britain…take 3 minutes to check your shoes, and then take another 3 minutes to compare van insurance here at The Nations Favourite.

Step 1

Complete your quick and easy quote

Step 2

Reveal your van insurance policies

Step 3

Pick your favourite and get instant cover